“Am I spamming?” That’s the question some clients ask us after we suspend their email services for abuse. It’s rather unfortunate when people bury themselves in ignorance when it comes to email practices. This is why we’re launching a significant effort on our end to educate all our clients on the right way to market themselves with email.

Before you can actually send properly, you must ask yourself the question, “Am I a spammer?” That is, what differentiates you from every other email sender out there. I know, I know, you really are different, but I digress from that point. To answer the question of spamminess, I’ve compiled 50 unique characteristics of spammers so you can determine if you’re on the dark side (or not).

50 Signs You’re a Spammer

1. You begin your emails with, “Dear Friend,” “Dear Customer.”
2. You bought, purchased, rented or “joint ventured” your list with others.
3. You refer to your customers and prospects collectively as a “list.”
4. You live your marketing career one batch email at a time.
5. Your email consists of a size 38 Impact font.
6. Your emails have nothing to do with recipient’s interests.
7. You have an email marketing campaign send daily email to your prospects.
8. When times get tough, you just hit your lists harder.
9. You don’t bother checking your “From” address for human replies.
10. You only see Digg and StumbleUpon as sources of thousands of hits.
11. Your email is sent to yourself, blind-carbon copying recipients.
12. Your email lacks the necessary unsubscribe link.
13. You padded your unsubscribe link with more than four lines to bury the link below the fold.
14. Your email contains more CAPS  than a Pepsi bottling plant.
15. Your subject lines begin with “Re:” or “Fwd:” even though you didn’t reply or forward.
16. You predicate your call to action with “If you’re interested…” or “If you’d like…”
17. Your email makes assumptions that your readers want to buy more when they just bought something.
18. The graphics in your e-mail are the email.
19. You worry about how many opt-outs and bounces you might earn, rather than the value you provide your subscribers.
20. Your email recipients have no idea who you are or why the received your message.
21. You can honestly say you live your life one spam complaint at a time.
22. You changed email service providers four times in the past two years.
23. You know your ESPs abuse desk personnel on a first name basis.
24. … Your ESP’s abuse desk personnel know you on a first name basis.
25. When asked about spam, you instantly deny it, citing CAN-SPAM Act technicalities.
26. Your email contact database is older than your shoes.
27. Your contact database is segmented into “blast,”  “email” and “do not email.”
28. You sent an email and suddenly wonder why you landed on the blacklist of several ISPs.
29. You insist it’s the fault of the ESP that your deliverability is in the dump.
30. You recently purchased a list of leads and telepathically know they want your email.
31. Your opt-in Web Form lacks any sort of expectation of email.
32. You send several thousand pieces of email on a daily basis, yet don’t consider yourself an Internet marketer.
33. You send several hundred pieces of email and feel exempt from anti-spam laws.
34. You just exported your Outlook address book and imported that into your email provider.
35. Your small business had 1500 customers for the previous year, yet you sent mail to 40,000 “prospects.”
36. You’re in search of an email list cleaner, email blaster or mass mailer.
37. You’ve got the latest information diet pills, mortgage offers, debt consolidation and are the expert in making money quick with no obligation.
38. People opt into your marketing  expecting a free iPod and they get bombarded with offers.
39. When you go to trade shows, you collect email addresses, not network with industry peers.
40. To you, search engine optimization means more traffic, not better results for visitors.
41. Your email marketing consists of sending offers to your entire list of contacts.
42. In an effort to get your email delivered, you include the text of “F.r.e.e” or “no.ris.k” in your messages.
43. You blame your recipients for reporting your message as spam to their ISP.
44. It’s a good day for you when the spam complaints are below 3%.
45. You’re a member of an organization and believe you can “blast” your message to all members.
46. You decide the value of your email marketing, not your recipients.
47. You have an abnormally large database for the actual interest in your products.
48. You seem to have invented a new form of opt-in, known as a “soft opt in.”
49. You aren’t sure if your contacts are opted in or what they opted in for.
50. Your lead generation model consists of a fishbowl at conferences.

These 50 signs of a spammer only scratches the surface in poor email practices, but I think you get the idea. The underlying factor in all these characteristics it a lack of respect for your prospects and customers. You must respect the needs and the expectations of your recipients, not punish them for learning more about your products and services.

This week, we’ll be talking a lot more about email best practices. In the meantime, think about what questions you might have about about email marketing, and share them with us. Our email and marketing experts are on hand to help you improve your marketing practices.

Do you have any additional signs that someone is a spammer? Post it in the comments below! Otherwise, if you found this funny, interesting or otherwise useful, why not share it?

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